My Job Was Good Until It Wasn’t… 06.01.23

What a day… Scratch that; what a week….

Just when I thought the work was good, I learned about a proposed team restructure that would move me and one other staff member to a brand-new team. I mean, not a whole new team, but pretty much new staff. And for what? Yes, the team will still work together to some degree, but a big but is that I will be under a new boss and working on different jobs. That is not ideal. 

However, change on its own is not bad. My frustration stems from all the ambiguity that surrounds this change. Nothing has been communicated. NOTHING…

So, what do I do? I start to think, worst case scenario in my head…. “Am I switching teams because I am a problem? Am I switching teams because I’m capable enough to support a less knowledgeable team? Am I liked? Am I good at my job?”.

All these irrational thoughts stem from my feeling of inadequacy, low self-esteem, fear that everything I assumed I struggled with might be true…

I know these thoughts are irrational…

I know I’m decent at my job, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I believe it easily until I am told that’s the case. My brain assumes the worst as the default response. I guess a way I protect myself from not performing well but also how to hurt my self-worth. 

Another example of my mind not matching my body. F that… So, I recognize this difference, but I can’t change this yet… Ain’t that something?

I guess acknowledgment is the first step to accepting my worth, huh…

Sincerely, My Internal Thoughts

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